Monday, February 2, 2015

Best. Day. Ever.


...And it's only 8:30 am!  I made some decisions last week about taking control of my health again after being on hiatus for a couple of years and this morning got myself out of bed in the dark at 5:00 AM to get to the gym.  (More on that here.)  And by the time I got home, I had a new perspective.  I cannot even begin to describe the weight that I feel lifted off my back, but I'm going to try.

There have been a few experiences that have lead me to this place.  One of them was a few weeks ago when unbeknownst to me my oldest, who is 17 was asked to speak in church.  Most kids that age can be asked directly to do something like that without the parents knowing, and it can get done.  Ryan has mild Asperger's Syndrome and I really don't know how much of that has to do with his horrible memory and follow-through, but it was no surprise at all that he forgot all about it and didn't prepare.  We got to church and sat down and Ron got a text message from a counselor in the bishopric asking if Ryan was prepared with his talk.  We of course were panicked and Ryan started his typical freak-out at realizing he had forgotten or procrastinated something important.  The decision was made that Ryan would just get up and bear his testimony.  (Had it been me texting the counselor, I would have just said, "He's not prepared.  Sorry, no-can-do" just because I have been in the habit of protecting him from consequences all his life.)  So for the next 10 minutes of sacrament meeting Ryan went through For the Strength of Youth booklet on his smartphone and prepared some thoughts.  He got up when it was his turn and totally knocked it out of the park.  He chose to talk about "Agency and Accountability" because it was so applicable to his situation in that moment.  He talked about how we really make our lives harder and more stressful when we don't make smart choices and do it as soon as possible.  Watching him say these things was the biggest gift he has ever given me.  Knowing that he knows those things lifted the weight of his choices off my back.  I really had never been sure if he understood that concept yet.  He said it.  I have proof that now he knows!  I can relax a little and just support him now.  Make suggestions, encourage, enable.... but I don't have to force it anymore.  He knows.

I've really put myself and my needs in a drawer over the last couple years because of the ages of my older kids and the fact that they weren't yet making the responsible choices on their own.  I have been carrying them and kinda my husband too.  I put on 15 lbs, quit working out, spent my extra time in the office helping and then my usual work at home.  I have felt like I have had to do everything for everyone because they couldn't handle it.  All I really am doing though is enabling them all to be lazy and protecting them from the consequences of that.  I think the reason I started doing that is because of how my mom was with me.  She was so detached and didn't help me at all.  It made me feel really unloved and alone.  I think though that I have realized that the problem wasn't that she didn't do enough for me, but that she didn't show that she was emotionally involved.  I realize that it's not that I needed her to actually wake me up and get me out of bed and get me to school.  All I needed was her to notice when I didn't go, ask questions, help me feel less insecure and scared, talk to me, make suggestions on how to change the way I was looking at my experience so that I would WANT to get up and try again.  Just show and express concern and care.  She was just so emotionally detached that I felt completely alone and scared and incapable.  I realize that as long as I am involved in my kids' lives and supporting and talking to them about their feelings, I won't need to carry them.  They'll be able to do it.  WHEW!  That is such an easy lesson for most but honestly, I started this mothering thing with a lot of baggage to let go of, I'm finding.

Ryan (17) got himself up today but Noah (14, almost 15) didn't.  For the first time I was fine with it.  Without guilt I just took Ryan to school and let the consequences fall on Noah's shoulders for not getting up.  We'll talk about it, some perks will be taken away, he won't get what he wants for his bday next month if he ever doesn't get up again.  I. Don't. Own it!  I'll remind, encourage, show love... I won't do it for him.  He'll be better for it and I'll be much happier.